Being the mother of two wonderful young
Christian men in their twenties, who cannot seem to find a young
lady who is committed to the Lord, I have started to wonder, where
exactly do committed Christians find someone with whom they can
share their lives? The obvious answer would seem to be – church of
course, but I have found that while this seems the obvious answer, it
is not necessarily the best answer. Having attended a number of
churches over the years, I have seen an increase in apostasy that
seems to be rampant across all denominations. As a result, the young
people are living decidedly licentious lives rather than holy ones.
While I believe in freedom in Christ, and do not hold to the
traditional “do nots” that many denominations preach, as they are
not necessarily Scriptural, I do not think freedom in Christ is a
license to sin. One needs to obey the commandments, if they love the
Lord. John 14:15 “If ye love me, keep my commandments.”
Having a real relationship with God (as
opposed to a relationship with your church, and do not think that
this exists only with the high liturgical ones, it is also found in
the fundamental evangelical ones), is something that is hard to find
in older people, much less young ones. I have seen in one church
alone (fundamental evangelical) nearly every young woman end up in one of the following situations:
pregnant out-of-wedlock, getting a divorce, cohabiting with a man,
going after a married man, marrying a non-Christian, and etc. For
all of their lip service to being Christians, they are not living the
walk that their talk indicates. My sons have given up on finding a
godly young woman in this venue. So where does one look next?
What I am about to propose is going to
shock and astonish some, and you may find yourself having a bad
knee-jerk reaction to it initially, if you live in America. Other
countries may not find my suggestion at all shocking, as many still
practice this custom. The custom of which I speak is finding a bride
(or groom) in your own family. By family I mean among your cousins –
first, second, once removed, etc. While this used to be a common
practice even in America up through the end of the 19th
century, in the 20th century there was a social backlash
against it in the name of genetics. At least in many places in
America. Today twenty-five of the states have banned cousin
marriage. The good news is, twenty-five still allow it, seven with
certain restrictions (procreative ones).
Why would I make such a suggestion?
Because actually it is the Biblical example. Abraham sent his
servant to find Isaac a bride among his relatives. He married his
first cousin once-removed, Rebekkah - Genesis 24. Jacob married two
of his cousins, Leah and Rachel. They were the daughters of his
mother's brother - Genesis 28-29. Zelophehad's daughters were all
ordered by Moses to marry their cousins, so as to keep the
inheritance of the land in the family tribe. Numbers 36:1-11. Some
have suggested, although I do not know if there is Scripture to bear
this out, that Mary and Joseph were cousins.
God forbids many different kind of
relative marriages, but cousins are not one of them, even first
cousins. And why would a cousin be such a good choice? God has made
it clear that when someone follows Him, He will bless that family
line for generations to come. Deuteronomy 7:9 “Know therefore
that the LORD thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which keepeth
covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his commandments
to a thousand generations;” Likewise, when someone does not
follow Him, He curses that family line for generations. Exodus 20:5
“Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I
the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the
fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of
them that hate me.”
If a Christian has a godly family line, is
it not a much better idea to stay within that line and have the
blessings come from both sides to be passed on to the children? (Not
to mention inheritances staying in the family as with Zelophehad.)
When one marries outside of the family, one needs to examine the
family tree to see if it carries curses or blessings. If it carries
curses, those are passed on to the children and must be dealt with,
so that they are broken at that generation, by working all the harder
to make sure that your home is one dedicated to the Lord and that the
children are raised in the admonition of the Lord and accept Him. Of
course even if you marry a cousin, you must do this with your home,
but it makes it easier if you are both coming from the same
background and page, as it were. Families tend to have similar
traditions, hobbies, likes, talents, etc., so a person would have a
greater chance of finding a kindred spirit among his relatives, which
would lead to a stronger love bond. And a double portion of God's
blessings would certainly enhance the home situation.
Another added plus seems to be, from
what I have read in my research, that there exists a bond that is
born out of blood that is not found with a stranger. We already love
(or should) our cousins by virtue of them being family. It is a bond
that pre-exists any other type of love, and it is a longer lasting
one. When you marry a stranger, the only love holding you to that
stranger is the one that came from your initial getting together and
finding each other attractive. As can be seen by the divorce rate,
this kind of love does not always last. On the other hand, you
always love (or should) your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and
other family members. There is a love born of blood relations that is
not dependent upon feelings the same way loving a stranger is. There
is a familial affection that exists simply because of the family
connection. From what I have read, this is the basis for a much
deeper, stronger love. I think of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.
Her love for him was so great that she deeply mourned his death the rest of
her life. He was not just her husband, he was her cousin.
But what about the genetics? Much ado
has been made over this, but the truth is, the added possibility of
birth defects of some sort is only 2-3% more than two strangers
getting together. And that is really only at the first cousin level,
not when you get to second, third, etc. cousins. In fact, the people
who carry a greater risk of birth defects are those who are cigarette
smokers, drug (cocaine, marijuana) users, alcohol drinkers (during
pregnancy), women over thirty five, women in abusive relationships,
and teenagers. Have these people been banned from getting married so
as to lower the rate of birth defects? No, of course not. Teenage
pregnancies are through the roof. Of course if a known disease that
is exceptionally devastating is carried within the family genes, one
should go for genetic counseling before having children. This
however does not prohibit cousin marriage. It is just something that
should be considered before procreating. This sort of thing can also
happen between people who are non-related, so this is not simply a
cousin problem.
The sad case in all this is that many
cousins, who feel as if they should be together, are forsaking that
because of the social stigma. They don't want to upset their
families or cause a scandal in their social circle. I have read sad
stories of people who are in marriages that are only half-hearted,
because their cousin is their true love. They bear the pain of a love
that they feel cannot be fulfilled and settle for less, because they
don't want to upset their families. How sad that we should
unnecessarily force couples into this position for absolutely no
reason. God does not forbid it, so why should we? And is this fair to
the spouse of these people? Do they not deserve to be loved first and
foremost as a spouse, and not have to play second fiddle to a beloved
cousin, even if they have been kept unaware of the situation? And
how can a person remain guiltless of adultery, if they harbor a
secret love for a person other than their spouse? We are guilty of
the sin not only when we commit it, but when it is in our heart and
we dwell upon it. This social restriction is forcing Christians who
love their cousins to be guilty of adultery in their hearts, if they
marry someone else.
As Christians we need to stop basing
our lives on what science, society, or even our church traditions may
say and go to the Word of God to see what He says. Our godly
children need to find godly spouses. We should not be ruling out the
cousins, just because some people in society may look askance at the practice. Most
countries permit it and even do it as a common practice. In America
it just requires that you live in the right state and be willing to
endure some people's disapproval. For more information on this
subject visit http://www.cousincouples.com/.
